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Today I failed another test. I got a 42. I used to be a straight A student... That ended back in the ninth grade... before I lost control... I managed to hold onto my As and Bs throughout high school... but I lost it in college... I failed another test today... with graduation looming overhead and my entire future hanging in the balance... and I didn't even care when I got the paper back... why you ask? Because I was more upset by the fact that I had just eaten food with my boyfriend and couldn't get to the bathroom right then and there to purge... I never seem to care as much when my friends stop calling.. when I lose touch with my family for days at a time... I dont notice when I let myself skip class after class... because I am in the library looking up diets and exercises... My notebooks have nothing to do with school in them.. just page after page of new BMI goals, what is safe, what isnt safe, new diets and drinks and pills... None of it makes any sense. It is just a mismatch of all of my thoughts... thoughts that keep my mind busy every second of every day... There are some days where it is okay.. some where I can clear my mind and have a happy day... only if I dont eat... but there are days like today where I sit down and realize I have spent the last 40 minutes searching the web for more diets and exercises and the same things I do every day instead of working on the 5 labs I now have due in one class because I am so far behind... Tonight I will go into work... where I will not eat anything... and I will smoke through my entire break so no one will question me... and then I will go home and pretend to stare at my textbooks... but in my head I will be far away...